


Recovery

by tautochrying



Category: Fake AH crew - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Paranoia, Suicidal Ideation, im an angst filled problematic fucker, suicide attempt implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 07:03:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13653900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tautochrying/pseuds/tautochrying





	Recovery

Sometimes he would break, but Ryan would always be there to pick them back up. Even when he didn’t know Ray had broken, even when pretty lies decorated those words and convinced everyone he was fine. Ray had been threatened a lot, so much that most conversations felt like a maze. Truly, he never knew what to do when the situation rose. Every turn lead to another dead end, and he feared the dead end that would trap him in a corner. 

He was scared of voicing these things, what would others think? Would they be proving all of the threats right? Maybe he truly was awful. Maybe the concern only was of pity. Why would someone so great and precise care to throw two shits Ray’s way? Ryan was always a mystery, the only mystery that kept Ray alive.

Sometimes Ray would break. He’d start crying and he’d cover his vulnerability in drugs and liquor, leaving to shut down in the bathroom while he listened to everyone joke about what he could possibly be doing. Only Ryan cared to knock on the door and ask if he was okay once the crowd had thinned. And sometimes, it felt like only Ryan was there. That feeling scared Ray too. Michael was a friend, Jeremy too.

Everyone was his friend- if not family. So why did Ryan seem to care the most? About him of all people. Maybe it was how they met, in that alleyway. Too strangers in the dark, one masked and armed and aiming with intent to kill, the other hollow and empty and ready to face his fate. Ray didn’t get shot that night, nor did he ever really find out who the man in the skull mask was. 

He pitied you, the back of his mind would say. You wanted to die, he wouldn’t give you that relief. Ray never wants to listen, so he shuts down. He goes numb until the thoughts stop and then he functions like everyone expects him to. Sometimes Ray breaks, and for some reason Ryan won’t stop putting him back together. 

“It’s useless, leave me behind. I’m already bleeding out. Just let it happen, I don’t want to hold back the team.” 

Ryan would yell at him to take the words back. Sentences detailing that they needed Ray, they wouldn’t be the same without him. The words would get drowned out by the same bad feelings. No matter what anyone tried it always came back around, and Ray got blamed for it. Perhaps he should do it, people would be better off. He wouldn’t be around to break and manipulate as he’s been accused of. He couldn’t tell what the truth was anymore. 

Sometimes he sits on the top of the highest building in Los Santos, with his feet hanging over the edge. The day he stood on that same edge crying was the day he didn’t show up for a meeting, not even to check in, and wasn’t home. Ryan was the first one that came over. It hurt to see Ryan shatter, it always did. He wished he could take the pain away. Fix himself so he’d be okay enough to help Ryan for once, even if he always insists that Ray helps. 

Ray cried and growled, cursed and even resorted to shakily elbowing Ryan. None of it worked, none of it would. Ryan wouldn’t let him go, and that was because he loved Ray. It was because he cared, he always did. Even when Ray was a broken and stoned mess, attempting to keep the feelings that tormented him away. 

Ryan insisted that he would help, that he wouldn’t give up. 

Sometimes, ray still gets scared. 


End file.
